This post is going to build on Dan‘s and Susan‘s posts on responsibility, Dan in both Lessons from The Practice – Taking Responsibility and Buttons and Susan in Still off the Mountain Top…and diving into that messy bowl called Responsibility. It’s also going to be a nod to NextStage Principles 6, 7, 15, 22, 58, …
Responsibility is an amazing thing to me. Amazing because of how many people don’t take any for anything (it seems). Part of this is the times we’re living in. Most people living in modern countries fall into a generational divide (something discovered in my day job’s research) and is demonstrated in speech. Most people over 45 and definitely over 55 bought insurance in case they had an accident. Most people under 35 and definitely under 30 bought insurance because they would have an accident.
A subtle and telling difference. Younger people assume accidents are inevitable and therefore they bear no responsibility for them. This includes preparation and clean up. If something is going to happen it’s going to happen and there’s nothing you can do about it. Leave your cellphone where it’ll get stolen or lost. Don’t worry about your credit cards being compromised. TXT while driving. Don’t drive defensively. And if something horrible happens, blame someone else, never assume responsibility because if you do, teams of lawyers will be lining up to line their pockets. Our research also indicated that older people thought identity theft might occur once every seven or eight years, younger people thought it might occur every five or six months.
So responsibility is an amazing thing. Even more so because I believe it’s an underlying concept in The Practice. How can one study without taking on some kind of responsibility for themselves, for their gifts, for their acts, …? How can you live with Intention unless you’re willing to take responsibility for your life and everything you do in it?
Lesson 1: Studying makes you responsible for what you study.
Some people are afraid of taking responsibility. They are afraid of making mistakes. I don’t consider myself a brave or courageous person at all and I know I’m going to make mistakes. Perhaps it is that surety that dismisses any fears? Like the younger people mentioned above, I know mistakes will happen, might as well enjoy them, learn from them, make them my trusted allies instead of my fear-inducing foes. I don’t wish for them, certainly, and I know they’ll occur never-the-less. And usually when I least want them to. Might as well make use of them.
But that’s a key concept; I can’t learn to succeed unless I’m willing to fail. Unless I’m willing to fail at something, all I’m really doing is creating a ceiling that I’ll never break through and calling that ceiling “success” when it’s not. It’s really just a demonstration of where I gave up. Permanently. Forever.
Lesson 2: You can’t claim responsibility for your successes unless you’re willing to claim responsibility for your failures.
That fear can be crippling, numbing, paralyzing and is always damning. Will you never move, never breath? That next breath may be your last, better not take it. Take a step and the earth might swallow you up, better stand still. Don’t make a decision, it might be the wrong one.
Want to know a secret? Lots of your decisions will be incorrect. They will, in fact, be laughably in error.
Want to know an even bigger secret? People who love you don’t care that you make mistakes. In fact, people that care about you will offer to help you when you do make mistakes.
So are you afraid? Of what? Of people? The ones who won’t come to you with love and patience when you make a mistake? Do you really want to spend your life caring about the opinions of people who only want to laugh at your failures?
Lesson 3: People who genuinely care about you will help you learn responsibility.
Learning Responsibility
We learn responsibility by taking on small tasks and learning from them. Want to be a chef? Better learn how to boil water first. Next make a sandwich for yourself. Good so far? Make a sandwich for a friend, then dinner for your family. Now invite some friends over for a meal. The next one’s going to blow your mind – invite friends over and tell them you’re going to experiment on them. You want to learn what good tastes go good together. Do that a few times and you’re ready to start doing small banquets.
It goes from there.
Want to drive tractor-trailer big rigs? Better start with a pedalcar.
Want to swim the channel? Better start with your gym’s pool.
Want to run a marathon? Let’s walk around the block first.
Accept Your Limits
An aspect of learning responsibility that tends to blow people away is that often the first act of responsibility is indicating that you’re not ready to be responsible.
What? Give me that again, please?
You read correctly; often the first demonstration of responsibility is recognizing that you’re not ready to take on responsibility for something. Imagine knowing you’re unprepared, have no time to prepare, don’t know what you’re doing or how to do it and agreeing to a deadline you can’t possibly meet.
Seems pretty irresponsible, doesn’t it? Yet how many people do you know do exactly that, have things blow up on them and then make excuses, ask forgiveness or simply turn their backs and walk away. I knew a fellow who agreed to deadlines even though he knew (he admitted this after the fact) that he couldn’t do what was asked (asked, not ordered or demanded, but asked and agreed to). When things came crashing down (he was instrumental in an organization imploding on itself) he said that he’d agreed to perform assigned tasks because he didn’t want to disappoint anybody.
I stared, dumbfounded. “You mean like you just did?”
“Well…yeah.”
So, if you’re just learning responsibility, take responsibility for boiling water, not planning a banquet.
Taking Responsibility
Please don’t study with us if you’re afraid of taking on responsibility. There are lots of other places out there that will train you in whatever and the only responsibility they’ll place on you is that you pay their bill.
Ah, but…do you want to change the world? And start by changing yourself?
Come, sit, listen, learn. The Universe won’t tell you to put out a forest fire on the first day. It’ll start by teaching you how to extinguish a burning match.
Want to know what’s really amazing? Learn responsibility in the small and you don’t have to learn it in the large. Take responsibility for the match and the rest is available to you for the asking.
But remember; if you ask, you take responsibility for the answer. Understand that before you ask anything. Some people think it’s easier to get forgiveness than permission and that’s contrary to The Practice. “Forgiveness rather than permission” implies that you knew not to ask because the answer would be “no”. Doing something when you know you shouldn’t do it calls into question your morality and ethics. Knowing you’ll get a “no” or getting a “no” then coming up with an alternative that begets a “yes”? Now you’ve demonstrated understanding, knowledge, compassion, humanity, wisdom, …
If you want and are willing, NextStage Expanded Awareness Society teachers can help you explore the reasons you may shy away from responsibility. It’s up to you.
Great post Joseph. In another layer of my lifelong skill at avoiding responsibility I’ve been thinking that sometimes, especially at work, responsibility is thrust upon me. I now realize that I still accept it – often without thought – and when I accept too much I become unhappy.
Sometimes I accept work responsibility gladly – it is perceived by myself and everyone around me as a reward for my previous hard work. Other times I accept out of fear of being seen as an under-performer, or even losing my job. Unlike your example (and unlike in other parts of my life), at work I always deliver and the price is my free time and my balance – which frustrates me and leads to my unhappiness.
I’m unhappy because I’ve given my control and my power away. In this case, I’m avoiding taking responsibility for myself. I’m still the victim of work doing this to me, instead of taking responsibility for myself and saying no.
Excellent for recognizing that it’s not necessarily taking on responsibility, it’s when we take on too much responsibility that we become unhappy. Remember, small steps.
It’s starting with the small steps that’s important, then building on them.