I never thought that I would find so many different uses for the Practice, but here I am, using it to make my relationship with my wife better. One of the many amazing benefits of marriage – and sticking with it through challenging times – is that you get watch and help each other grow. We get a front row seat to the experience of two life times and also have a hand in shaping both of those lives and the lives of whatever children you may decide to have and/or be blessed with.
…needs and desires change…
As my beautiful wife Casey and I age together, our needs and desires change, sometimes requiring us as individuals to make adjustments to our behaviors, our patterns of thinking, and to encourage one another. It’s a beautiful thing to be able to grow together and see that the more we grow and the more we change, the more we love each other and the closer we get. It’s not always easy…sometimes we both want to just run and hide or fight the change. It may not always be easy but one thing I have found is that if you put the work in, it gets easier and downright pleasurable. Even the mini battles we have now seem to be fought more and more with love and feel more productive.
Slow down and pay attention to the minutest detail.
All of this starts with listening, but here is a specific way I have been able to use with some success, and I have only just begun. First, I ask my wife if I may “run a level of awareness on her.” I ask more because I don’t want her to think I’m not paying attention because it may appear that I am not, when in fact by running this level of awareness, I am slowing things down and paying attention to even the minutest detail. I key in on those things (topics, tones, facial expression, etc) that may trigger my anger, guilt, defensiveness. Also, I listen to her, because she often picks up on how I am feeling before I even have a chance to react. These triggers I pick up on are habits, for lack of a better word. Most of these triggers have been developed over time, some of them have surfaced due to events in our marriage and our relationship, but they are like bad habits. They happen unconsciously. By running a level awareness on the situation, on any conversation with my wife, I learn more about myself and her, and get to change the things that are counterproductive or that cause fights. Changing these things is as simple as running the four-point algorithm taught to Joseph by one of his many great Teachers. You can read more about the four-point algorithm here.
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One of the most amusing aspects of what I’m learning is the number of different ways it can be used in any number of situations. Good work, Joe and Casey. Congrats on learning and growing together. Lots of couples never get to experience it.
I second Joseph’s nod on a job well done, to both of you! As I once heard, the only thing that you can guarantee is change. I should have Joseph, or perhaps I will, post our wedding vows we made to each other 33 years ago this Sept 1st.
Hey Brother, great post. For me that kind of awareness requires some significant effort and focus. Great work!