The Wounding

On January 20, 2017, I had one of the most incredible seminal moments of my life. I have been fasting on and off the past several months due to a flare up of a digestive order; I try to avoid pharmaceuticals whenever possible and fasting gives my digestive system time to heal. One evening at the end of a fast, and prior to supping, I was “exercising” in the way I was taught by Joseph and through my studying of The Practice. This “exercise” involves breathing, centering, and a healthy dose of self-awareness/self-monitoring with my eyes open. At first, there didn’t seem to be much of a difference between my exercise this night and the one from the night before. Changes and improvements had – up to this point – been subtle, yet noticeable over time. I find that increases in awareness are more noticeable as I continue to Practice and improve my awareness, which means that the cup never actually runneth over with awareness; rather awareness itself is more like a self-licking ice cream cone with additional purposes other than self-perpetuation.

As I said above, at first I didn’t notice anything unusual as I centered and lowered my energy. But as I settled into a rhythm of breathing, I felt my awareness move back more to the center of my brain, and then up and I became acutely aware of panic and anxiety residing at about shoulder level within me. It felt stronger, almost like it came on all of a sudden, but I quickly realized that I was experiencing the contrast between being truly centered and at Peace, and being the everyday me that I’ve become accustomed to, with all of the post-traumatic baggage of a nasty childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood, these three things rarely being mutually exclusive. I felt the panic, and it was heavy on my chest, threatening to steal my oxygen and with it my Peace. I stood up and realized how good it feels to breath, fully expanding the diaphragm and feeling that breath warm my sternum, navel, and scrotum. I felt power, confidence, and joy like I haven’t felt since I was a pre-trauma child. It was like a distant remnant of happiness hidden in some compartmentalized portion of my brain. I had lost its scent, but now that I caught wind of it, and of freedom and Peace, I couldn’t let it go.
Suddenly, my phone produced an unusual sound, a tornado warning. I have lived through many a tornado warning with barely an uptick of wind speed, so I didn’t think much and went about my business. My business at this point was to feed my Australian Spiny-Tailed Monitor lizard (aka Ackies Monitor) aptly named Drake for his propensity to explore. I grabbed a few superworms and dropped them into a bowl. Occasionally I will hand feed him a worm or two and this night was one of those occasions. Usually I am pretty careful but as I was about to give him the superworm, I heard my two-year-old call “Daddy!” I looked away, the worm slipped from my grasp and was sitting on my middle finger, and my monitor lizard clamped down. Poor Drake! I don’t think he liked the taste of my blood. He soon realized that I wasn’t food and tried to pull away but his teeth were stuck in my middle finger. I knew I had to react quickly and calmly so he didn’t rip any of his teeth out in the process. It’s highly unlikely that he would unless I tried to rip him off of me. I didn’t; instead I slowly eased him forward and slipped his teeth from under my skin and he went on eating away, assuring me that he wasn’t injured or traumatized by the incident.

My finger was dripping blood at a pretty good rate. I walked out to show my family, particularly my oldest son who tends to overreact when he gets even the slightest scrape or cut. I explained to him that by letting it bleed I was making way for the healing process. I also told him about a time I caught a large coachwhip snake that proceed to thrash and bite me a few times in my hand and how I would lick my hand of those kinds of wounds when I was younger. I added that licking wounds from an animal bite was probably not a good idea if he could avoid it.

My mother was a little worried about infection from Drake’s bite so we grabbed some 91% isopropyl alcohol. I scrubbed a little…the blood would not wipe off. I scrubbed some more, nothing. I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed…still there. I then tried warm water and soap to no avail. Finally, I gave up. The consensus among my family was that the blood was under the epidermis, kind of like a blood blister. A few minutes later, one of the oddest storms I have ever been in (outside of my time on a 295’ Barque) came blowing in with sustained gales and gusts that reached upwards of 70 mph. Just like that, my family and I piled into a central bedroom in the house and waited. I couldn’t help but look out the window occasionally, and at one point I saw the football that had been trapped in our tree since we bought the house dislodge and fly across our back yard. At some point during the storm, I found myself mindlessly sucking on my wounded finger. Naturally I pulled it out of my mouth to examine it; the blood was now starting to come off. I sucked some more, and then some more, and it was gone.

This was the night that I discovered that Lizard is one of my totems. Speaking with Joseph the following Saturday, he told me that I don’t always have to be Wounded to learn these types of things, but it seems right now I do. Perhaps it’s because I’ve shown the Universe in many different ways that I am ready to learn. One of those ways not being Listening. The Universe got my attention. I didn’t mention this to Joseph because I think I forgot to in my excitement, but this isn’t the first time I’ve been bitten by a monitor lizard in that finger. There is a reason why the middle finger on my right hand can’t be finger-printed sufficiently for background checks. The Universe is always trying to get our attention, always trying to teach us. Maybe the Universe was trying to tell me about Lizard 13 years ago when a hungry Water Monitor clamped down on my middle finger and thrashed, but I wasn’t Listening. Or maybe I simply got bit by a monitor lizard that had just been fed and was still hungry. Or maybe Listening is more about subjective interpretation of the world around us.