The infinite path to wisdom is freedom and an exploration of the self
As I continue my exercises in the Practice, I’m learning more about my core identity. I have recently learned that, through a cycle of family dysfunction and abuse, I have inherited a nasty bit of resentment that has grown stronger through generations. It has been with me so long that the line between me and it has completely blurred. For all intents and purposes, it is me.
But it also isn’t, and that dualism was confusing when I first encountered it. I always viewed the resentment – the animus – as an enemy inside me. I believed that I could actually be “my own worst enemy.” I even started to believe in what I’ve heard my Grandfather term the “Della Rosa curse” or “Della Rosa luck.” But he always viewed the bad things in his life as happening to him, thereby giving any semblance of control away. I wanted to fix the issue, to heal it, and I thought I could do that by taking responsibility for everything that happened to me as a child. Somewhere along the way, I made myself a slave to the very same karmic inheritance that has tripped up generations of my family. In a way I needed the negative energy, especially as a child. I needed it to defend the real me. I gave it residence inside of my heart and lungs and let it steal my oxygen in exchange for protection. I allowed it to rest there, creating knots in my trapezius muscles, blocking my energy flow, and giving me headaches. I didn’t even know that I was allowing it to do that. I thought I was protecting myself. I had a lot to learn.
I learned about the nature of this energy through a very simple exercise Joseph gave me that involved seiza sitting and sanchin breathing, and my wife’s well-developed senses. It wasn’t completely evident at first. To see the negative energy also involved me viewing the world with a different set of lenses. I needed to look at everything around me as a potential teacher and to stop viewing this negative energy as an enemy. I also had to access parts of my brain that have either lain dormant, or were out of my control. As Joseph has told me, I need to train my “phenomenal consciousness.” Western society relies on “access consciousness” and ignores the phenomenal, having shunned it violently throughout history.
As I explore my phenomenal consciousness to learn more about this “teacher,” I am actually learning more about what is going on both internally and externally. On one special night of reflection, I discovered that the child with the tarnished bronze skin is wary of the negative energy. When the negative energy manifests, it looks and feels like the child doesn’t want to connect with me. This leads me to believe that it may not be possible for those closest to me – ephemeral included – to differentiate who I really am from the negative energy. They may not be able to do this until I find where it ends and I begin. So for now, I will be peeling back the layers to reach my core identity, a painful process indeed. This negative energy is not my enemy, however I do need to release it. That doesn’t mean that it’s bad; I have sensed confusion and disappointment from it. It knows nothing else and therefore I feel compassion for it. But I know that I can’t self-actualize, or complete the story of the bronze child, until I have released this negative energy back to the Universe.
I will not pass it on to my children. I will break the cycle. I believe that my destiny has meaning.
The traditional definitions are that phenomenal consciousness is what is experienced and access consciousness is what we respond to. Some confuse phenomenal consciousness with being a passive observer and I believe that’s incorrect. Many people respond or act (access) without understanding the experience (phenomenal) they’re having and I’ve never known “understanding” to be passive. Sitting physically still while psychologically I’m on fire (phenomenal) takes lots of training and will power (my opinion), especially when the sensations you’re having are unpleasant in the extreme (access).
But to act well and intentionally in any situation first requires understanding the situation. Phenomenal consciousness guides access consciousness, or trains it (perhaps a better way of phrasing it) so we’re free to turn our consciousness to other experiences.
One of the ways this phenomenal to access consciousness makes itself known is when we explore the boundary between Selfish and Selfless. We can only learn what we’re willing to give up (share, being selfless) when we understand what we’re not willing to give up (won’t share, being selfish). When I act selflessly with something I don’t want to share, I become frustrated, angry, resentful, perhaps jealous, definitely negative emotionally and probably verbally, spiritually and perhaps even physically in extreme situations.
When I act selfishly with something I do want to share again there’s negative emotions and thoughts at play. Perhaps I feel shame, self-resentment, self-anger or self-hatred. And now maybe I over compensate by going the other way and sharing too much. Now a dangerous pendulum swings and is destroying whatever gets too close.
But if I’m willing to explore that boundary (phenomenal consciousness; what is it like to share (something)?) then act (access consciousness; the act of sharing) on what I’ve learned, my sharing or not sharing has much more meaning. Now I’m in control of my actions and can use everything I am to proactively do something rather than unintentionally allowing some limited aspect of myself to reactively act out for or against something.