I’m sure that got some people responding in all sorts of ways. There are those who go out of their way to shun any and all responsibility in their lives. I know a few people like this. They’re “Just along for the ride”. I have no sympathy for these people when they don’t like what happens in their life and complain that life didn’t turn out they way they wanted it to. Why should it? They gave up control and the steering of their life to some one else. My philosophy is that if you don’t participate in your life then you have no right to complain about what happens. Take some responsibility for your life, then if the nasty stuff happens..well at least you tried and I bet you’ll find a lot more people willing to help out when you ask them for help….Ahhh there’s another piece of that responsibility thing….you have to ask for help when you need it.
…now I’ve taken the responsibility away from you…
I admit that used to be a tough one for me. Because my problem that I’m working on is that I take on too much responsibility. You don’t even have to ask if I’ll do something, I’ll be two steps a head of you taking responsibility for what ever you need doing. And….I’ll up the anti; I won’t ask you to help me because you might say no, so now I’ve taken the responsibility away from you to say yes or no to doing something.
Aren’t I a great person????
Actually no…it’s not a healthy thing for a person to do. In my case, I know where it came from. When I was growing up I would ask my Mother (Aren’t mother’s great? They create all kinds of buttons that are pushed throughout our lives!! My mother passed a few months ago and now my brother and sister are releasing the memories) to help me do something or if she could do something for me and I would see this pained look come over her face so before she would even answer I would say “Never mind”. I would take away her choice to help me. She might have said yes, but I was prepared for “No” so I would make the decision for her.
…I feel obligated so I better say Yes.
As time went on I would see other people have this same look of “Oh god, she asked me to do something and I really don’t want to, but I feel obligated so I better say Yes” come over their faces. See this look often enough and you stop asking people for help or to do things or you only ask when the answer is going to be yes. This last part of only asking or making the conditions right so the answer is always yes doesn’t work well. I’ve taken the choice away from people.
I’ve gotten better about this. I’ve realized that we’re all adults with free will and I’ve stopped making decisions for everyone. I won’t automatically assume their answer will be NO. If they don’t want to help they can say No or say that they can only do a part of what I ask. That’s ok. Ok, so I don’t have this completely under control…but at least I now know when I’m doing it and can stop it.
This is a great post Susan, thank you. I can relate to you when it comes to taking others responsibilities from them. I am a fixer – I like to try to fix others’ problems – and that probably stems from my relationship with my mother as well. It rarely works out, because if that person doesn’t want to face their responsibilities, how in the world can I do it for them? I have a strong sense of obligation to help the needy, but I agree with you that some people just need to help themselves, and sometimes those people need to be forced into those situations by allowing them to fall.
Good post!
It seems the Responsibility Genie is making the rounds as lots of people are writing about it (I have a Responsibility post coming up).
It does intrigue me that so few people recognize the fullness of responsibility in their lives. They’ll pick and choose what to be responsible for and not, and their selection logic baffles me.
In the case of this post – taking on responsibility when it’s not offered, requested or required – goes to the Principles of Not going where you’re not wanted and Not doing what you’re not asked to do.
And congrats on pulling back more of that onion.